The battle of defiant children is all about the battle of the wills, yours or theirs. That is human nature. Children are no different then adults. They want their way. And they will do what it takes of get their way. They watch and study you and then implement their plans. That is human. If you let their ill conceived plans work on and off or all the time you will get a persistently naughty child. When their ill plan works on and off it is very hard to change their minds on it. It is like a gamblers addiction. They do not know when they will win but just that they are bound to win sometime and so failure is just part of the game.
The best kept secret is that children want to please you. It is in their nature, makeup, evolution to please you. If it was not, parents would of refused to have children and the human race would of disappeared. So what is the switch, the switch from wanting to fight you for their own will to wanting to please you. Or you could ask what is the switch to turn on their desire to please?
If they can get their way by pleasing you, it is a win win situation. They will gladly follow you. That is the switch, not a paddle to whip, but a on and off switch. How do you set it up so they only get their way if they please you? That depends on your personality and theirs. This is where it gets complicated. If the two of you have no personality quirks or problems the switch is automatic. You do not have to do much. You ask in a pleasing convincing way and they do as they are asked without any fuss. “Jonny, would you please go get the piece of candy box I brought you lying on the table and we will open the locked box so you can enjoy it.”
“Locked box? What is the locked box? Pandora’s box? Oh, dear me, what are we getting into? Come on now, lets get honest here. You encouraged us and then dropped us.”
Don’t fear, it is not that hard. The lock is how to appeal to your better nature. The question then come to, ‘what is your better nature?’ ‘How do I convey to them that I have a better nature?’ ‘Do I have a better nature?’
Well, this forum will address those issues.
There is really only four things to remember when working with people, your self, others, or children. Improve or change these four things for the better and people and will love and respect you, especially your children, and they will want to please you.They are the four steps the brain goes through over and over like a feedback loop and in this order: Perception, emotional reaction of fear or love, beliefs and plans of action, habits and skills of action. So we will look at and change if possible:
1) THE WAY YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN PERCEIVE THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS.
2) THE WAY YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FEEL ABOUT THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS.
3) THEIR BELIEFS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HOLD ABOUT THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS
4) THE HABITS, SKILLS, AND ACTIONS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HAVE TOWARDS THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS.
That may sound like a tall order. Not really. Its harder to explain it then to do it. You were by nature designed to do it and to do it with good results. People just sort of learn a few harsh perceptions, harsh feelings, unrealistic beliefs about self and others, and get into some lousy habits. All that may be complicated and vary between people but the process of healing or improving is a lot easier, remember it is natural. You just got to let yourself be natural as it was before you got into bad habits of perception, emotions, thought, and habits.
You were born a delightful and lovable little creature. But your hardware, by default, was set to survival mode, lie, cheat, blame, and fight if life did not proceed with loving gentle parents that meet your needs to up to the first three years. Loving parents will set your Upper Nature of optimistic, loving, trust, and obedience as the foundation of your personality and abusive parents will set your Lower Nature of survival as the foundation of your personality and then it becomes the playing field for the battle of the wills.
But before you get discouraged, the child can heal, the younger the better, but even the rebellious adult can transform. We will go over these issues. Your comments, questions, or input will lead the discussion and posts in the direction you want.